這是一本名人語錄, 但是一點也不勵志《這些話,為什麼這麼有哏?!》 – 每天為你推薦一篇好文章


第一章

家庭

大部分的人都很愛他們的家人。畢竟,他們與你有血緣關係,在你人生困頓時會無條件愛你。但與你血脈相連,並不表示他們所做的每一件事情,都會讓你開心。

人生當中某些時刻,可能會發生這樣的事:你的手足或是某個行為不端的叔叔在一個重要場合遲到、宿醉,還穿著前一晚的衣服;你的小孩對你大吼:「我恨你!」;或是你的另一半領光了你戶頭裡的錢……或忘了把碗盤放進洗碗機裡。

不過,好消息是,你並不孤單。你以為你是全世界第一個必須拆掉撞球桌,就為了替岳母騰出點空間的倒楣鬼時,事實上,早在你之前就已經有十億人在應付這些家庭裡狗屁倒灶的事情。不少人會翻白眼,或用一頓來得快、去得也快的大爆炸來回應這些狀況,不過有些傢伙卻能說出一些至理名言,將這一切帶往另一個完全不同的層次:

 

基因庫的問題就是,池邊沒有救生員。──大衛.傑羅德,美國科幻小說作家

The problem with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.

——David Gerrold, American science fiction author

 

如果你不相信世界上有鬼,那表示你從沒參加過家庭聚會。——艾希莉.布理恩特,美國漫畫家

If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion.

——Ashleigh Brilliant,American cartoonist

 

我應該要認識你們,但認識的人還不到一半;我應該要喜歡你們,但我喜歡的人不到一半,喜愛的程度也不及一半。──比爾博.巴金斯,出自小說《魔戒現身》

I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

——Bilbo Baggins, The Fellowship of the Ring

 

我根本不需要去查我們的家族樹,因為我很清楚我是枝幹裡面的樹液*。——佛瑞德.亞倫,美國喜劇演員

I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.

——Fred Allen, American comedian

*sap,樹液,也是笨蛋的意思。

 

親情就像牆上剝落的壁紙,凌亂、黏著、惱人而且都是重複的圖案。——弗里德里希.尼采,德國哲學家

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.

————Friedrich Nietzsche

 

幸福就是擁有一個關係親密、充滿愛與溫情的大家庭,不過這個家是在另一個城市。——喬治.伯恩斯,美國喜劇演員與演員

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

——George Burns, American comedian and actor

 

你不會因為有了小孩就更有父母的樣子,就像擁有一架鋼琴不會讓你變成鋼琴家。——麥可.萊文,美國作家

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

——Michael Levine, American author

 

家庭是個麻煩的累贅,尤其當一個人未婚的時候。——保羅王子,出自奧斯卡.王爾德的著作《薇拉,那些虛無主義者》

A family is a terrible encumbrance, especially when one is not married.

——Prince Paul, Oscar Wilde’s Vera, or The Nihilists

 

聖誕老人的想法是對的──年只拜訪人們一次。——維克多.伯治,丹麥喜劇演員

Santa Claus has the right idea——visit people only once a year.

——Victor Borge,Danish comedian

 

我們一起度過了這麼些難關,而且大部分都是你的錯。——艾希莉.布理恩特,美國漫畫家

We’ve been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.

——Ashleigh Brilliant, American cartoonist

 

跟某些人相處一個小時,比跟其他人相處一個星期還痛苦得多。——威廉.迪安.豪威爾斯,美國作家

Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.

——William Dean Howells, American author

 

雖然沒有一套絕對的標準可以用來為父親打分數,你還是可以從他們的行為來判斷很多事。

例如,會帶小孩出去玩傳接球遊戲或出門吃冰淇淋的,可能就是個不錯的老爸;但讓小孩帶著五塊美金跟一張寫著「請給我一包駱駝牌香菸,一包M&Ms巧克力給小孩」的紙條去街角雜貨店的,可能就不是個好老爸。

不論你的老爸是落在光譜的哪一端,每個老爸都有他們各自的缺點,而那些缺點讓我們成為了今天的我們,不論是男人還是女人。但有些人對這個議題,可就沒這麼客氣了……

 

當代住在郊區的家庭,父親的地位已經夠渺小了,尤其如果他還打高爾夫球的話。——伯特蘭.羅素,英國哲學家

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

——Bertrand Russell, British philosopher

 

成功父親的鐵則是:當你有了小孩,頭兩年看都別看他一眼。——厄尼斯特.海明威,美國作家

To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

——Ernest Hemingway

 

老爸一直認為笑聲是最好的解藥,我想這就是為什麼我們之中有幾個是死於肺結核。——傑克.韓第,美國喜劇演員

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

——Jack Handey, American comedian

 

我從不知道該買什麼生日禮物給老爸,所以我拿了一百元美金給他,說:「給自己買點會讓日子好過一點的東西吧。」結果他買了禮物給我媽。——麗塔.羅德納,美國女演員與喜劇演員。

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

——Rita Rudner, American actress and comedian

 

我記得被綁架那次,歹徒把我的一截手指頭寄給我爸。結果,他說他需要更多證據。——羅德尼.丹傑菲爾德,美國喜劇演員。

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

——Rodney Dangerfield, American comedian

 

我父親影響我至深。他是個瘋子。——史派克.密里根,愛爾蘭喜劇演員

My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

——Spike Milligan, Irish comedian

 

該死,妳這卑鄙的女人!從妳討厭死的子宮逃出來那天起,妳就一直礙著我。——史杜伊.格里芬,美國電視影集《蓋酷家庭》

Damn you, vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

——Stewie Griffin, Family Guy

 

我媽很厲害,她有超殺的眼神。即使門是關上的,她光靠瞄一眼就能阻止你做任何事。她也可以一言不發就把你的扁桃腺拉出來。——琥碧.戈柏,美國演員、作家、歌手

My mother’s great. She has the major looks. She could stop you from doing anything, through a closed door even, with a single look. Without saying a word, she has that power to rip out your tonsils.

——Whoopi Goldberg

 

明明量杯只量過水,老媽卻用清潔劑刷洗,她一定有毛病。——爾瑪.龐貝克,美國幽默作家

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

——Erma Bombeck, American humorist

 

時至今日,生小孩已經不需要做任何測驗或填表格。不論是有計劃地生育,還是拜廉價避孕用品所賜,每年都有成千上萬的人變成父母。放心吧,某個後代子孫一定會抱怨自己為何被帶到這世上。

 

父母是世上最不該有小孩的人。——塞繆爾.巴特勒,英國維多利亞時代小說家

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

————Samuel Butler, Victorian novelist

 

如果你不曾被自己的小孩痛恨過,那表示你根本沒當過父母。——貝蒂.戴維斯,美國電影、電視、戲劇女演員

If you’ve never been hated by your child, you’ve never been a parent.

——Bette Davis

 

每個人都知道該怎麼養育小孩,除了那些有小孩的人以外。——P.J.歐羅克,美國政治諷刺作家

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

——P. J. O’Rourke, American political satirist

 

四十五年來,我的父母只吵過一次架,那次吵架持續了四十三年了。——凱西.萊德曼,美國喜劇演員

My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.

————Cathy Ladman, American comedian

 

大人只是過氣的孩子,管他們去死。——蘇斯博士,美國著名童書作家、漫畫家

Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.

——Dr. Seuss

 

父母常用一種與他們無關的態度談論年輕一代。——海姆.吉諾特,以色列心理學家

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.

——Haim Ginott, Israeli child psychologist

 

因為體型尺寸的關係,父母很難被好好管教。——P.J.歐羅克,美國政治諷刺作家





Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

——P. J. O’Rourke, American political satirist

 

沒有東西可以視而不見,孩子不會開心,這就是父母存在的意義。——奧頓.納許,美國詩人

Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for.

——Ogden Nash

 

沒有任何經驗比得上懷抱一名初生嬰兒更美妙,因為這個活生生、有呼吸心跳的東西是由生命與愛所創造的奇蹟。

這種美好通常可以持續約十五秒,直到這個奇蹟把奶吐在你袖子上或者換尿布之前為止。通常,孩子交還到他們父母手上時,你可能還會加上一抹微笑或一句「沒關係」。但有時候,隨著微笑而來的則是乾洗費用帳單以及類似以下的意見:

 

一定要用母音來當小孩名字的結尾,這樣在你大吼的時候,名字才會傳得夠遠。——比爾.寇司比,美國諧星

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.

——Bill Cosby

 

擁有一個小孩,讓你成為父母;擁有兩個小孩,你就變成裁判。——大衛.佛斯特,英國記者

Having one child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

——David Frost, British journalist

 

養小孩一半是喜悅,一半是打游擊戰。——愛德華.阿斯納,美國演員

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.

——Ed Asner, American actor

 

我的小孩總覺得浴室是個等待我把所有生活用品從車上搬下來的地方。——爾瑪.龐貝克,美國幽默作家

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

——Erma Bombeck, American humorist

 

我娶你媽是因為我想要小孩,你可以想像當你出生後我有多失望。——格魯喬.馬克斯,美國電影與喜劇演員

I married your mother because I wanted children; imagine my disappointment when you came along.

——Groucho Marx

 

兩歲孩子就像是一台攪拌機,不過你少了蓋子。——傑里.賽恩菲爾德,美國喜劇演員、劇作家

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

——Jerry Seinfeld

 

當我看到陪我洗澡的玩具是烤麵包機和收音機時,我明白原來我是個不被期待的孩子。——瓊.瑞佛斯,美國演員、電視節目主持人

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

——Joan Rivers

 

結婚前,我有六套養育小孩的理論;現在我有六個小孩,卻沒有任何理論。——約翰.威爾默特,英國詩人

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

——John Wilmot, English poet

 

想知道小孩把溜冰鞋丟在哪兒,試著在黑暗中繞著房子走一圈看看。——李奧波德.費克納,美國作家

If you wonder where your child left his roller skates, try walking around the house in the dark.

——Leopold Fechtner, American author

 

醜嬰兒令人討厭,可愛的嬰兒卻令人害怕。——英國維多利亞女王

An ugly baby is a very nasty object——and the prettiest is frightful.

——Queen Victoria

 

很多孩子不時威脅要離家出走,這卻是讓某些父母能夠撐下去的唯一理由。——菲莉絲.狄樂,美國喜劇演員與女演員

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

——Phyllis Diller, American comedian and actress

 

人類是地球上唯一會讓小孩回家的生物。——比爾.寇司比,美國諧星

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

——Bill Cosby

 

千萬別對你的小孩舉起手來,那會讓你的身體核心部位毫無防備。——羅伯特.奧本,美國喜劇演員與魔術師

Never raise your hand to your children——it leaves your midsection unprotected.

——Robert Orben, American magician and comedian

 

避孕藥應該要用在任何想像得到的場合。——史派克.米利根,愛爾蘭喜劇演員

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

——Spike Milligan, Irish comedian

*conceivable, 可想像的,來自conceive, 動詞,受孕的意思。

 

我從沒遇過能讓我喜歡的小孩。——W.C.菲爾茲,美國喜劇演員

I never met a kid I liked.

——W. C. Fields

 

再也沒有任何親屬關係比姻親還煩人,而且就是這麼令人吐血。

自己的親戚要求你幫個忙已經夠討厭了,但比不上婆婆想跟你們一起去結婚週年旅行,或是岳父堅持可以把你的車修得比專業技師還好更讓你怒氣沖天。當你無法拒絕岳父的時候,你可以把修車師傅電話號碼加到常用聯絡人,保證你絕對有很多事情要跟他說,至少你就這麼想吧。

 

和岳父之間的關係是很難拿捏的。你得證明你夠格,同時對他又要帶著敬意。這有點像是在走鋼索。順道一提,我真的會走鋼索,因為我上過雜耍學校。——菲爾.鄧菲,美國電視影集《摩登家庭》

A relationship with your fatherin-law is tough. You need to prove you can stand up to him, while being respectful. It’s like walking a tightrope, which by the way I can do, because I went to trapeze school.

——Phil Dunphy, Modern Family

幽默總是奠基在一點點事實之上。你有聽過關於岳父的笑話嗎?——狄克.克拉克,美國節目主持人

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

——Dick Clark

 

我跟我的婆婆說我家就是妳家,然後她告訴我:「滾出我的房子。」——瓊.瑞佛斯,美國演員、電視節目主持人

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, “Get the hell off my property.”

——Joan Rivers

 

為了躲避姻親干涉,美國夫妻已經淪落到要花錢請婚姻諮商專家來干涉他們的婚姻。——弗洛倫斯.金,美國小說家

American couples have gone to such lengths to avoid the interference of in-laws that they have to pay marriage counselors to interfere between them.

——Florence King, American novelist

 

檀香山擁有一切。給小孩玩的沙灘,給老婆曬的太陽,以及給岳母的鯊魚。——肯.杜德,英國喜劇演員

Honolulu——it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.

——Ken Dodd, British comedian

 

我看到六個男人在對丈母娘又踢又打。鄰居問我:「你不去幫忙嗎?」我說:「不用,六個人應該夠了。」——萊斯.道森,英國喜劇演員。

I saw six men kicking and punching the motherin-law. My neighbor said, “Are you going to help?”I said, “No, six should be enough.”

——Les Dawson, British comedian

 

摘自《這些話,為什麼這麼有哏?!》 作者:艾瑞克‧格茲莫考斯基

 

► 購買傳送門:https://goo.gl/dzgPNw

 

書籍特色

本書收錄各界名人在家庭、親子、工作、朋友、男女交往等各種令人崩潰情境,如何不帶髒字罵人、不損尊嚴挖苦人、不齜牙裂嘴幹譙,卻又說到點兒上,令人捧腹叫絕,如果不方便大笑,肯定要內傷!

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